I need to work on making my site less ugly >:[ I'm gonna try and do that nxt week b/c I'm crazy busy this weekend. I spent most of 2day making tamales for when I visit my sister tomorrow [I just found out how many ppl r gonna b at thxgiving on saturday -_-||| EEK]. And I have 2 projects due nxt week, so I need to work on my chem lab report and my valley fever presentation. But I'm motivated to pass chem lab and bio :D I'm happy to be alive and be a college student and I love biology, I just need to stay focused and remember why this all matters. This was a bit of a unpolished ramble but I just so sleepy and really wanted to update [it helps me to stay motivated and work on my site plus I think it might be a postive outlet]
I've been better emotionally, I'm still sleeping pretty poorly, but idk, I'm less passively unhappy—just generally neutral, which is good, it means its easier for neutrality to swing towards joy. I've come to terms with my poor grades, and honestly, my only goal now is to pass chem lab and bio, but I don't think I will because I'm not even trying, I just wasting all my free time [I have 3 tries for chemistry before I have to petition retaking it or whatever]. I'm going to do a lot better next semester. I just need to take advantage of the opportunities and accommodations that I've been given by my campus, which I'll do for next semester. I have an appointment on December the fourth for transfer, so I can figure out what I need besides what I already know I need [like calc 1, which I'm going to take with a professor that was recommended to me by a moot, who will be in his class next semester]. I think I'll be happier next semester. Work has been keeping me out of the house, so I've been able to avoid any of AR's negativity[I can hear her now complaining to TV rn and it's driving me crazy, it just bum's me out so bad, she's a very miserable person to be around longer than a week]. I just have to stay as busy as possible. Going to work or staying on campus as late as possible will be good for me in the long run. I just have to fight the lazy carvings that tell me to go home and sleep in my windowless hellhole. I know it's insane, but sometimes I forget the rest of the house exists. I think I need to live somewhere with windows.
On a more positive note, I've gotten some new music, my best new CD's include a Ribbon Fix mix given to me and an IWLMOFFY CD, but I've been playing my Hollow Eyes CD the most [I got a few other CD's and records]. I really do love that album. Once I finish cleaning up how I want my m.blog to look, I'll post about CIA first, especially because I'm in love with Turncoat and Needlemouth at the moment [actually, CIA is gonna be in LA in March, so I'm gonna try and see them again].
I'm still feeling pretty, not great, I guess. But I'm still going to my classes and stuff, so that's good, but I'm not going to go to my film class tonight. I have some homework due for the class, so I'll do that later. I also have some chemistry homework, so I'll do that as well. I had that job interview earlier, the manager said if she thinks I'll fit, then she'll call back, but I don't personally feel too confident about it.
I've been trying to get back into my hobbies. I picked up a book from the TO library on how to photograph people, and it's actually been really fun to read. It's making me excited to start shooting again, it's also motivating me to register for my classes for the next semester because I want to take a photography class. I need to schedule an appointment for transfer, and then I'll be able to actually get the right classes and stay on track. I'll do that Thursday because I work right after class tomorrow.
I've been away for so long, and a lot of nothing has happened! Things feel pretty heavy. School has been
kicking my ass, but to be fair, it's my own fault. I'm wasting my potential in a windowless room doing nothing
all day. I don't even feel bad most days, so I have no excuse for my hermitage. I have all this time to do my
homework and improve myself, but I'm just so lazy in the moment. I can't want things if I'm not going to work
for them, but like, I just don't do the things I should. I understand the consequences, I know the outcome is
going to be really bad, and I know currently the way I'm feeling is b/c of my lack of productivity and laziness.
I know this, and yet I don't do anything. It feels like I've lost all my stress and fear, which has its pros,
like my nightmares have gone down a lot and I'm sleeping more, but I think I lost all my productivity and
passion. I think, in all honesty, I lost my passion a few years ago, but it's finally really sinking in and
affecting me.
I had a talk with LC, and he said he was going to take a semester off because his grades dropped and he's
directionless. It kind of helped open my eyes; maybe I just need to take a semester off and get my life
together. I've been saving up my money, and I'm trying to pick up a second job at the mall [I have an interview
tomorrow to be a Santa photographer], especially with how little hours I'm doing at Journeys right now. But the
conclusion I came to after talking with LC is that maybe I should just drop out for a semester and work and save
up as much as I can while I'm still a bum at my aunt's house and then hike it up to Humboldt, get another job
and apartment, and then reenroll in community college and pick up where I left off with my education goals.
If I follow that plan, I'm going to end up being really lonely, but I think it will be good for me in
regards to my education. I don't want to lose my friends, but I feel like I've already been drifting away from
most of them anyway. I know it's probably not true, but I think BP might be starting to hate me, but she hasn't
identified it. I only think this because it's something I tend to do, but, idk, when we hang out, she seems more
frustrated, and she's been talking about moving away, and it's really obvious that her fixation has shifted to
two other people [which isn't bad; it's normal and good], but I think that being paired with her usually being
in a less than good mood when we hang out one on one is really making me feel anxious in our friendship. And
then V is going to be joining the job corps in the spring, and then we'll see each other even less than we
already do. Basically, I'm feeling really insecure about my relationships, and I think it's making me more
frustrated with myself.
Shucks, this has been more of an emotional update then a life update, I prefer to focus more on the
physical world and less on the brain, but I've jut been feeling pretty rough for the last few months.
I've been dead online, like the last few days I've been so busy [w/ basically nothing tho tbh], all though
maybe I'm just really tierd. I woke up feeling tierd and then I kept falling asleep during lecture, I really
shsould be napping or at least reading some of the chapter for book club tonight. Yuck! I just need to really
sit down and be more responsible, then I woundnt be so tierd all the time. I really want to upload pictures from
my bio lab, so I think I'll try and do that l8r or tomorrow. I think blogging about what I learn in class will
really help me absorb the materials [but I think I'll have to redo at least two classes next semester, but I
knew that would be the consequences if I slacked off, so Ill lay in the bed Ive made]
I think this will be my only update today, but I'm going to try and work on my page and make it a bit better.
Today was very productive. After class, I hung out with two classmates downtown. At one of the thrift stores, I
found a George Benson record and an old cop bange that I'm going to use for my Severen costume. We also went to
this really cute store called Arthouse, and I found some cute toys for my nephew's. The gifts give me an excuse
to go visit them; now I just need to convince someone to roadtrip w/ me!! I think I'll ask B.P. The interview
went super good, she said she "liked my vibe," but she still needs to do interviews, but she'll call me Friday
w/ a update. I went to Gamestop and Target to kill some time before the interview though, and I got ocarina of
time for my DS [I've never finished a Zelda game b4!!], plus I'm like on good terms w/ the employee, so it's
cool that the Gamestop is right next to the Journeys. I got some water color markers from Target for coloring
backgrounds for P.B.'s story in Parallax, so I need to work on some illustrations. I'll finish my pre-lab and do
some drawings. But good day all around.
2day I'll be seeing the 20th anniversary reshowing of Saw [2004] w/ my co-worker!! I'll actually be going
in2 work in about 40 min ^_^ its only a few hrs and I get 2 c co-werker which is fun. I will update l8r!!
Me and coworker are going, to the big mall in T.O. to hangout b4 the movie, she wants to go to Hottopic [because
the T.O. hottopic is like better than ours, which is prob true, our mall is the living dead] and get like these
carebear monster cross over stuffies or whatever. Idk, it will be cute, though. We're planning to dress like
Adam and Laurence, tho!!!! super excited for that. I'm gonna be Laurence, and she's gonna be Adam, but she
doesn't have a pinstripe button up, so I'm gonna let her borrow one of mine :]] She'll probably be picking me up
soon, so I have to forward her the tickets via email.
Just got home from Saw, it was great! co-worker is so infected w/ saw brain now! Like she was going into this
whole spiel w/ a biblical analysis about Adam's character, mainly in respect to how he mirrors Kramers divinity
w/ his nivavity, like she made draws to Adam from the bible. Especially in l8r films w/ Kramers appearances
being like disiples. And like how that plays into Adam being sacrificed for Laurences game and how he was
preordained to fail his own game, idk, it was a whole thing, but it was so fun!! Blahh, but now its time for bed
because I've got a job interview at Journeys tomorrow...╰(°ㅂ°)╯